Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Two words: blizzard sex
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
