Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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