Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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