I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
