someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have tasted many bathrooms
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
