that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my sisters under your porch take her home
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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