I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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