If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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