and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
