i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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