When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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