oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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