I just threw up on my dentist
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
