I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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