There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
