A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
