then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize