i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
