Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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