Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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