I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
