i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
