Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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