The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
