if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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