Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
