when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
