PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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