I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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