dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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