Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
