Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
