Im at strip club and am horny
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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