watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
