my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
