Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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