no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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