I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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