my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
