If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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