saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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