Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
