I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
