too bad you live with your parents still
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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