every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize