went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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