Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
