oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
