happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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