Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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