Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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