I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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