HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
