She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
