i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
