Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
