I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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