The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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