I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
