Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
