Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
