he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
