GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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